All Over Again
by rlturner79
Summary: Winter memories. The need to try again. A mix of past and present for Danny and Martin. Slash, AU.
1. Chapter 1

**All Over Again**

**Part 1**

It had been years since he'd thought of Danny. Well, that wasn't entirely true seeing as he dreamt about him often enough; and if he was ever afforded the chance to daydream, those dark eyes and warm, teasing smile would be the first things to pop into his mind. But, it had been years since he'd thought of him consciously…and especially like this.

But somehow, a cold, snowy January day in New York made those thoughts run wild. Maybe it was because he hadn't actually been in New York for a while. Maybe it was because he'd just broken up with Alex – his girlfriend of five months – and he was feeling lonely. It really didn't matter why though, and for once he welcomed all of the thoughts, the memories, smiling to himself as he walked briskly down the sidewalk, head ducked down against the biting wind.

By the time he reached Samantha's house he was sufficiently frozen and wondering why on earth he had thought it would be a good idea to walk from his hotel rather than hail a cab. But she welcomed him with a hug and a bright smile, ushering him quickly inside, taking his coat and the cold was quickly forgotten. Memories of Danny however, were not.

It was harder now, seeing her, knowing that she saw him at least once or twice a week. But Martin had been the one to leave and move away, leaving behind the life and the friends that he had cherished so deeply. He saw her a few times a year now, mostly here when he came to visit or occasionally, she would come to Washington, bring her husband and her children and they'd meet up for lunch or dinner.

He loved seeing her happy, and he smiled as she poured him a glass of wine and pulled him into the living room, both of them settling onto her comfortable, well loved couch. She had married Jack, the FBI agent who'd been one of their earliest patrons. Martin and Danny had been wholly suspicious of him at first, the two of them going into over-protective older-brother mode whenever he had come around, but it was obvious that he and Sam were attracted to one another. In the end, things had worked out better than any of them could have foreseen. Sam and Jack had been married for almost nine years now, and they had eight-year-old twin sons, Connor and Brian…both of who were currently at a hockey game with their father.

Sam had put her entrepreneur skills to good work and was currently a consultant for small businesses…especially newly opening bars and restaurants. She helped the owners get started, gave them tips on what she believed to be the best course of action so that their businesses would work. And she was good at it. She always had been.

Martin, Samantha and Danny had met early in their freshmen year at NYU…having been put into a group together in their first business class. It had been a disaster. Martin had instantly developed a pointless sort of crush on Samantha and he and Danny had started to bicker from day one. Danny had been cocky and arrogant and would have much rather done their group projects on his own. Sam had tried to remain distant and indifferent to both of them, but she would eventually lose her temper the more and more Danny and Martin argued. Things only got worse as the year went on and their class projects suffered for it. Martin and Samantha dated a few times but that only left things more awkward because they quickly discovered that they weren't nearly as attracted to each other as they had originally assumed. Danny, in turn, accused them of working together and excluding him from assignments, which would – _again_ – start another argument. By the end of the semester, none of them could wait to be done with the semester, hoping desperately that they never had to share a class again. Oddly enough, it was a failing grade in that class for all three of them that brought about the change in all of their relationships.

While they'd been busy arguing and bickering and even not showing up for class sometimes, they'd ended up putting very little effort or brains into any of their assignments. Failing was something that none of them had ever had much experience with – at least in school – so it drew them together. Danny panicked, knowing that if he continued failing classes that he would lose his scholarship. Martin had been shocked and not quite sure what to do next; his main concern had been to make sure his parents didn't find out. Secretly, the failing grade excited him just a little, because he'd never had anything lower than a 'B' from the time he'd entered kindergarten and failing was definitely not something that anyone would have expected of him. Samantha had been the least concerned of the three of them, but she _was_ concerned enough to know that failing classes wouldn't help her finish college any sooner and consequently never have to be dependent on her family for anything again.

So the three of them, dumbfounded and nervous, had met together in their professor's office, listening shamefully as he explained his offer. They could work together over the winter break and turn in one, overall project and if it were good enough he would change their grades to C's. Not perfect, but passing. He also made the offhand comment that they might want to quit acting like twelve-year-olds and get along enough to do the work.

They stood, facing each other awkwardly in the hall outside of the professor's office after the meeting…each of them nervous and uncertain and reluctant to admit to any wrongdoing. Samantha decided first that she needed to be the one to take the first step, because she was pretty sure that neither of them would.

"Do you think we could start over?" she asked wearily, glancing back and forth between the two of them. "I mean, like completely. Just pretend this semester didn't happen?"

Martin nodded dutifully at her, glancing next at Danny and trying to catch his eye. When he did, he forced himself to smile, wishing that Danny would do the same. "I can do that," he said, answering Samantha but still looking at Danny.

"Danny?" Sam asked hopefully.

Danny's eyes were locked on Martin's now as he nodded, something passing between them that had never been there before. Martin blushed and lowered his eyes, and it was then that Danny grinned. "Sure Samantha, I can start over."

Quickly, they discovered that they worked really well together now that they weren't arguing all the time. Oh they still bickered and fought over how things should be done, but it was with a certain amount of respect now. And whereas before, Danny's barbs had been cruel and Martin's replies cold, they were filled with a flirty sort of teasing now. Before, Sam had always watched them both wearily, rolling her eyes and putting in her own snide comment here and there. Now, she would lower her eyes and grin, trying not to giggle as she listened to them argue. Amazing how different things had become.

It had been Samantha who had noticed it first – maybe even before Martin and Danny. The two of them were attracted to each other. It turned her smiles more secretive and she watched them with a knowing sparkle in her eyes now, never letting onto what she suspected. She and Martin's few dates had been awkward and uncomfortable at best, and she had wondered occasionally if it had been her or something else entirely. Maybe they just hadn't clicked on that level, but now she had to wonder if maybe, instead, it was because of Martin. Had he dated her because he really wanted to or was he trying to cover up the truth? She watched him watching Danny, her breath catching when Danny looked up and caught him looking. Their eyes stayed locked and this time Danny didn't tease or flirt, just continued staring at Martin, who in turn couldn't seem to turn away. When Martin finally managed to break eye contact, he looked down at the notebook in his hands and blushed. Sam saw his fingers tremble as he uncapped his pen and tried to write something and she _knew_ that she had figured things out correctly.

But Danny wasn't as easy to figure out. There was a certain kind of heat in his eyes when he looked at Martin now, and he flirted relentlessly with the other man…but Sam still wasn't entirely sure if it was serious or something else. Lust maybe. However, their winter break was quickly coming to a close and they turned in their project – for which they all received passing grades – before she could definitely add things up.

Next semester they found themselves together in two classes, neither of which required group work, but they got together often enough to help each other study. Studying turned into nights out with no other purpose than to hang out as friends. And from there they soon became inseparable. They became closer and closer as a group as well as individual friends. Sam spent time with Martin and with Danny individually, and she knew they were doing the same. What she couldn't quite discover, no matter how hard she tried, was if their attraction had grown more since that winter break. When the three of them hung out together she could sense something going on between them, but could never quite pinpoint it exactly.

They came to her one night, pulling her out of her dorm room and outside for a walk in the cool air telling her that they needed to talk to her. They lingered on the edge of Central Park, Sam and Danny sitting on a bench while Martin stood nervously pacing in front of them.

"Fitz, will you quit it, you're making _me_ nervous," Danny said, sounding exasperated when Martin refused to sit down. Martin glared at him for a second, biting down on his lower lip when he glanced at Sam. She looked from Danny to Martin, trying to figure out what was going on.

"Martin," Danny said firmly, standing up and quickly grasping his hand. "Stop it," he said calmly. Their eyes met and Martin took a step closer to him, seeming to seek comfort in his nearness. He took a deep breath and nodded quickly, to which Danny smiled and pulled him down onto the bench next to Sam.

Something clicked in that instant and Sam understood what they wanted to talk to her about. Her earlier suspicions were practically confirmed. She saw it in the way Danny had looked into Martin's eyes, saying so much more with that gaze than with his words alone. She saw it in the way Martin had calmed down at Danny's touch. And now that she let herself step back and watch them more objectively she knew it must have been going on for a while. Her suspicions had been right on target, but she'd been too close to both of them to actually believe it.

She smiled, drawing one of her feet up onto the bench and turning to face them both. "How long?" she asked, laughing softly when their faces paled.

"You knew?" Danny asked, surprised.

She shook her head. "Not for sure, but I suspected…and now…" she trailed off, still grinning at them.

"You're not…upset?" Martin asked softly.

She rolled her eyes and laughed again. "Upset? No! I think it's great. But I have to know how long it's been going on," she said eagerly.

Martin looked down and blushed and Danny grinned, leaning up against Martin's back and wrapping his arms around his waist. He rested his chin on Martin's shoulder and met Sam's eyes. "You know when you went to visit your sister at the end of winter break that first semester…after we had finished our project for business class?" he asked.

She nodded and smiled brightly. "I _knew_ something was going on then…the two of you couldn't stop staring at each other!"

From there, Martin and Danny only became closer and more serious, and the three of them were still as close as ever. They went to great lengths to make sure they included Sam as much as they always had before, not wanting her to feel left out. And she loved them more for it, although sometimes she declined their invitations to go out because their love made her long for someone of her own.

Sam was the one to come up with the idea for the bar. They were seniors then, none of them entirely sure what they wanted to do after graduation. Danny had been considering law school, but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to go right into it after four years of college. Martin had been expected to join his father's accounting firm, but he was desperate to have another plan so that he could refuse that offer. And Samantha knew, without a doubt, that she didn't want to work _for_ anyone else. So she approached the two of them with her plan…that they open a bar, something New York City was definitely not short on, but she firmly believed they could make it work. Make it different and exciting and a place where people loved to be. They were skeptical at first but she kept after them, telling them her ideas and plans and showing what she'd already researched.

Danny jumped in first with Martin close behind and the three of them were soon hard at work, excited over the prospect of owning their own business and looking forward to making it a reality. Sam thought up a concept and a design, wanting a place that was friendly to the college crowd but to the older working-force age as well. She found a location, went over details and researched other establishments in the area. Martin dealt with their finances, put together a prospective to get them a loan and made sure that Sam didn't go over the top with any of their purchases. Danny was Sam's main help with creative details as well as going over the legalities they'd face in owning and operating the bar. They worked just as well together as they had in school, and they were more than proud of what they managed to accomplish…especially when it turned out to be a great success.

"How're Jack and the kids?" Martin asked, settling back against the couch and sipping his wine.

Sam smiled, her eyes sparkling as she told Martin about her family. Jack's promotion in the FBI, Connor and Brian's good report card and glowing note from their third grade teacher and how much they loved playing soccer. It was surprising how well she fit into the roles of wife and mother. She'd always been so independent throughout college and afterwards when they'd started the business. But family life suited her well, and Martin loved knowing she was genuinely happy, independent and strong still, but belonging to a wonderfully close knit family now too.

"How about you?" she asked, sliding closer to him on the couch, her expression curious. "Are you still dating Alex?"

He smiled sadly and shook his head, looking down for a moment. "No, we broke up a few weeks ago," he answered, sighing when he saw her face fall.

"I'm sorry Martin…you seemed happy when I saw you last month." She had been down to Washington for two days, a guest speaker at a seminar on starting a small business. They hadn't been able to spend much time together other than a dinner out one night, and Martin had brought Alex along, eager for her to meet Sam. "What happened?" she asked softly.

He shook his head, frowning slightly. "Nothing extraordinary," he replied. "She said I worked too much, that I didn't really want something serious with her…the usual," he said, shrugging. Sam frowned, biting down on her lower lip and watching him closely. He fidgeted under her gaze, wishing that she'd let it drop, but he knew her better than that and so he wasn't surprised by her next question.

"Was she right?"

Martin sighed and shook his head. "No…maybe…I don't know. It's not a big deal Sam," he said, frustrated.

"But you liked her," she protested. "I know you did. And she was good for you."

"Sam please, it's not a big deal," he insisted, looking into her eyes, pleading with her to just let it go. It wasn't something he wanted to talk about. The truth was that she was right. He had liked Alex…a lot. They had so much in common. She was smart and pretty and she made him laugh. But he had sabotaged the relationship almost from the beginning, and hadn't let her get close enough for them to last. It was something he was good at doing…ruining relationships. He'd successfully done it with every relationship he'd had for years. Ever since Danny.

What was worse was that he knew that Sam knew all of this. She wanted so much for him to be happy, wanted him to find someone he could spend his life with and to finally let go of the past. And she worried over him; she had ever since he'd left New York to move to Washington. But she knew better than to bring up the ultimate reason for his self-imposed loneliness.

"I just hate seeing you so alone all the time," she murmured, reaching out to place her hand on his shoulder, her eyes bright with concern.

He managed to smile a bit and shake his head. "Don't worry Sam…I'll be okay."

This conversation was easy…they'd had it several times before. They were silent for a few minutes, both of them thinking things over, both sure that their thoughts were leading in identical directions. It always happened this way. But then Sam or Martin would bring up another topic and they'd move past it. That was why it was so surprising – to both of them – when Martin asked his next question.

"How's Danny been?"

Sam's eyes widened and she looked at him uncertainly, her head cocked slightly to the side, trying to figure out if he really wanted an answer. "Good," she answered carefully.

He tried to smile, but knew it didn't reach his eyes. "Is that all you can tell me?" he asked. "Good?" He tried to sound like he was teasing her but had to wonder if it came out colder than he'd intended.

She swallowed hard and did about as good of a job at returning his smile as he had originating it. "He's fine Martin," she said softly. "He's finishing law school…wants to go into adoption law, help foster children find a real home," she told him, her eyes lightening, pride flitting across her expression.

And it took everything he had not to look away, feeling his own sort of pride and relief at her words. Proud of Danny for what he was accomplishing, after all he'd overcome. Martin wished that he could find it in him to call him up, to wish him well and tell him just how proud he was. It hurt to know that such a phone call might do more harm than good.

"Is he seeing anyone?" The words slipped out before he'd even thought them over or had a chance to stop them.

Now Sam's gaze was almost piercing in its curiosity and worry. He looked away quickly, only to be drawn back by her gentle touch on his face. "Martin, what's going on?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head, panicked now, wishing she'd stop touching him so he could escape. But her touch seemed to hold him hostage and he couldn't move, couldn't look away once he met her eyes again. "Nothing," he whispered.

"Martin," she said, voice firmer now.

"Nothing," he repeated. "I was just curious," he said, voice weak. She shook her head and he could tell she wasn't buying it. "I just…was thinking of him today. I walked here from my hotel and it was snowing. I…remembered being here in the winter when it snowed…with him. That's all it was Sam, really. It just made me curious…" he trailed off, finally able to tear his eyes away from hers. His heart ached painfully in his chest, layers of forced indifference and years apart being stripped away all too quickly as he pictured Danny smiling at him, his black coat covered in snow, his cheeks red from the cold. Danny who had forced him to go ice-skating in the cold of January in Central Park, throwing snowballs at him afterwards, laughing and pressing his nearly-blue lips to Martin's.

It rushed over him painfully and all too quickly. Memories and feelings that he'd locked away for years because remembering would have left him helpless to do anything else. He leaned forward and dropped his face into his hands, squeezing his eyes shut and trying desperately not to let any more emotions show. But Sam slid nearer and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close and pressing her lips gently to his temple. "It's all right honey," she whispered.

"No, it's not," he replied tightly. He held his body rigid, taking deep breaths and trying not to cry. If he gave in and leaned into her embrace like he wanted to, he knew how easy it would be to fall apart. "It's been five years Sam. Five years and I still can't…"

"Let go," she finished for him. He raised his head and looked at her, wanting to nod, wanting to answer her somehow…but her worried face blurred before his eyes and he bit down on his lower lip, helpless now to stop himself. This time he didn't resist as she held him close, closing his eyes against the imminent tears and holding onto her tightly.

"You think I didn't know? You don't hide things as well as you think you do," she said softly, after a few minutes.

He pulled back a little, wiping quickly at his eyes and giving her a half a smile. "Oh really?"

She smiled back gently and took his hand into hers, wanting to continue touching him. "Talk to me Martin."

"Sam I don't--"

"No, we've opened the door this much…and it took five years. Now, talk to me," she snapped, no real heat in her voice but a demanding sort of motherly tone that he imagined her using when her sons were keeping something from her. It was hard to say no to.

Honestly, he'd wanted to talk to her for years. He had no idea what Danny had told her, but she and Martin had made an unspoken sort of agreement after he and Danny had split up that they wouldn't talk about it. She retained her friendship with both of them but things between the three of them had never been the same. It had been easier to stay silent and just let time pass…but now, for whatever reason, he needed to talk. Needed to move on and the leave the past safely in the past.

"I miss him," he said softly. "I guess I've…always missed him, but it was just easier to never talk about it." She nodded, looking for a moment as if she wanted to say something but then gestured for him to continue. "It's why none of my relationships have ever worked out…why there's a perpetual cloud hanging over me." He paused, looking at her for a few moments before rolling his eyes. "I guess it's also caused me to be extremely melodramatic," he muttered as he thought over his last few words, a small smile tugging at his lips.

She laughed and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "I know, you're such a girl sometimes," she teased.

Surprisingly he found it easy to laugh along with her, and he felt something loosen in his chest. Maybe it was a good idea to talk about everything. Maybe it had always been a good idea, but he had just refused because he was good at keeping things hidden away.

"It's not that I've thought about him nonstop for five years…I would've gone crazy," he admitted. "But…it still hurts Sam, and I don't understand that."

"The two of you have never talked about any of this, have you?" she asked softly, something mysterious in her eyes.

He shook his head sadly. "I've seen him once since we broke up, and that was at Connor and Brian's christening. We barely said two words to one another, other than what we had to repeat back to the priest to become godparents," he said bitterly. Sam frowned, a shadow passing over her face, probably remembering their distance and awkwardness that day. He just hoped that she hadn't let it darken what should have been such a happy moment for her.

"Sam…"

"No, don't apologize," she said quickly. Strange, sometimes, the way she could seem to read his thoughts. "It's fine Martin…I wasn't angry then and I'm not angry now," she reassured him. "I was just…disappointed. Mainly because my ulterior motive in making the two of you godparents was the hope that you might actually talk to one another."

He looked down for a few moments, wishing that he'd been brave enough to do just that. He'd wanted to. He could remember clearly what it had been like seeing Danny that day, his breath catching, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. The desire to talk to him, to _touch_ him had been so strong, yet he'd forced himself to stay away, unable and unwilling to make the first move.

"How is he Sam?" he asked, breaking the silence that had settled between them as they each thought of the past.

She studied him intently for a few moments, trying to gauge what he wanted to hear. Sighing she looked down and picked absently at the pillow she held in her lap, finding a loose thread to tug on. "He's good Martin, really," she said. "He's excited about being done with law school and what he wants to do with the degree. And he's…sober, goes to AA meetings once a week. It's…good. And to answer your other question…no, he's not seeing anyone right now. He's had a few relationships here and there, but they've been very much like yours. Simple and incomplete."

"Does he know I'm here?" Martin whispered, not really sure he wanted to know the answer. He wasn't sure he'd know how to react no matter what reply she gave him.

She shook her head, looking up again to meet his eyes. "No. We don't…we don't talk about you. The same way you and I don't talk about him." Her voice was pained, soft, and not for the first time, Martin realized how much his and Danny's breakup had affected Sam. She'd lost a family. They all had. She had her husband and children now, but for a while Danny and Martin had been her world. It was easy to understand, because Martin had felt the same way. His own family had left him cold and disappointed, but Danny and Sam had given him warmth and love and acceptance with no strings attached.

"Do you want to see him?" Sam asked suddenly, her eyes flickering with something he couldn't identify.

His face paled, his eyes widening as he shook his head. "I…Sam, I can't…" he stuttered, suddenly frightful that she had Danny hiding in the kitchen. It was something she would do.

But she slipped closer and smiled warmly into his eyes. "Yes you can," she said, voice full of a conviction he knew _he_ didn't feel. "The two of you are more alike than you'll ever admit to. When I said that he's doing fine, I wasn't lying. But that's all it is…fine. He misses you too Martin. He always has."

"Please Sam, I can't…"

"Stop it, yes you can," she interrupted, an air of impatience in her voice now. "The two of you can pine away and miss each other all you fucking want, but unless one of you has enough balls to do something about it, you're going to be stuck in this state of…_numbness_ forever!"

He raised an eyebrow at her words, unable to stop from smiling a little…it distracted him if nothing else. "Such a motherly tone…do you always talk like that?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes and laughed a little. "Shut up…and don't try to distract me."

"Samantha, listen to me," he said patiently, reaching out to take her hands in his own. "Part of me wants to see him so badly…wants to talk to him. But it…it scares me. So much. I don't know if I can see him walk away again…" he trailed off, biting down on his lower lip as more painful memories made their way to the surface.

"He's at the bar tonight," she murmured, settling back against the couch, leaning partly on his shoulder. "Meeting with Vivian…she's helping him with one of his final papers for school," she explained. "He'll probably be there for about two more hours…you tell me what you want to do Martin."

He couldn't answer then, leaning against her slightly until their heads touched. The prospect of seeing Danny was totally unexpected and it was his first instinct to refuse. To run and hide like he'd done for years now. But a part of him was curious, desperate even, to see the other man…to talk with him and see if there was any hope of repairing their relationship. Maybe just to the point that they could be in the same room without a crushing awkwardness ensuing. Maybe just so they could be together with Samantha. Or maybe more. He drew in a shaky breath and shut his eyes, struggling to find courage.

"I want to see him."

It was only a week after Samantha and Jack had returned from their honeymoon. Martin didn't want to bother either of them but he had nowhere else to turn and he couldn't stand being alone another minute. It was amazing how quickly everything had changed for him. Just weeks ago he and Danny had been dancing at Sam's wedding, celebrating, laughing…happy. Now his life was in shambles and he had absolutely no idea what he should do next.

Danny was an alcoholic. The words were still hard to process, hard to even _think _without stopping him cold. Because it was something he'd only just discovered…while Sam was in the south of France honeymooning with her new husband. How could he have not known?

"Martin!" Sam exclaimed, obviously surprised, laughter echoing in her voice as she answered the door. It only took a moment for her expression to change though. One look at him and her forehead creased, her eyes changing into a terrible sort of worry and concern. "What's wrong?" she whispered, her face paling as fear quickly overrode her concern.

"Danny…" Martin said hoarsely, hard to talk without his throat closing over the words. They were almost impossible to say.

She took a step forward, stepping over the threshold of her front door and gripping tightly to Martin's shoulders. "What's wrong?" she repeated. "Martin, talk to me…did something happen to Danny?" she asked, voice trembling now. Her fingernails dug painfully into Martin's shoulders, but he barely felt it.

He shook his head and then nodded, confused, lost…unable to explain. "He's not physically hurt if that's what you're asking," he finally managed to answer. He wondered how he'd been able to make his voice sound so calm and reasonable.

"But something's wrong," she said, voice calmer now. Glancing around, she seemed to realize they were still standing in the open doorway to her house and she grasped his hand tightly and pulled him inside. He still didn't know what to do, what to say. He stood perfectly still in Sam's hallway, eyes downcast, arms at his sides. Vaguely, he heard Sam speaking to someone else – probably Jack – and then he felt her arm around his waist as she lead him into the living room and gently removed his coat.

She watched him carefully as they sat down, side by side on her couch. He still couldn't meet her eyes, knew that if he did he'd start crying – something that frightened him because he honestly didn't know if he'd be able to stop. There was nothing solid beneath his feet anymore. Nothing made sense and he had no clue how he was supposed to explain things to her. Explain that he'd lost the most important person in his life. Explain how guilty and cold he felt…and how it was all his fault.

"Martin…honey, what's the matter?" she asked softly. Her voice was close to her ear, warm breath ghosting over his cheek, her fingers gently running through his hair and over the back of his neck, trying to soothe. He was dimly aware that she must have been talking to him for a few minutes, none of which he had heard.

He finally found enough strength to turn and face her, bravely meeting her eyes, which were soft and troubled. He leaned closer, unable to voice what he wanted as he touched her shoulder. She seemed to understand anyway and pulled him close, holding him tightly and rubbing soothing circles over his back.

"Danny…he's…we…broke up," he whispered, amazed that he could form the words, no matter how softly. Although somehow they were easier to say than the reasoning behind them. But they echoed in his head no matter how hard he tried to stop them…repeating themselves over and over, unrelenting and cruel.

_We broke up. _

They were a simple three words, three syllables, physically easy to say…but they did so much damage. Destroyed his world. Three small words. He couldn't seem to catch his breath, his body trembling as he held back the desire to scream, to turn inwardly and run away. He couldn't tell Sam, couldn't let her see how much it hurt, couldn't tell her _why_…

"What?" Shock obvious in her voice.

She turned him slightly, one hand gently touching his cheek as she looked into his eyes. But he couldn't do it, shaking his head and leaning forward, whimpering softly as she hugged him again.

"What happened?" she whispered after several minutes of silence.

He tried to take a deep breath, preparing himself to answer her, but his breath came out in a sob. His body shook as she held him tighter, whispering words he never heard, knew she was trying to comfort him, but unable to take any sort of comfort from her. There was nothing that could make him feel better now.

Eventually, the tears stopped though his body continued to tremble. And when he pulled back to meet her sorrowful gaze, the words that wouldn't come before bubbled up inside of him, desperately trying to claw their way out. "He…Sam, he's an alcoholic."

The words were still a shock to say, so her resulting stunned expression was understandable. But she didn't immediately confront him or try to deny his words. Relentlessly, she held his gaze with her own, eyes searching for answers in his tear-stained face. After a few moments she went very still and bit her bottom lip, her eyes clouding with a certain expression of frantic worry…and guilt.

Martin had to break the silence, unable to stand her gaze any longer. And he felt that he needed to explain further, despite her unexpected but obvious acceptance of his words.

But she beat him to it, grasping his hand in her own and forcing Martin to meet her eyes again. "It's always been there hasn't it?" she asked quietly, her voice trembling just a little. "For years now."

Martin could only nod in response, weary and so filled with guilt; he could drown in it. Danny had done a very good job of keeping his problem a secret. It wasn't that they had never seen him drink before, because they did. Often. But his life had never suffered for it.

"He graduated with high honors," Martin said absently. "He helped us start the bar, dealt with all those confusing legalities. He does community service…it's…it's not like he's done nothing with his life Sam!" Martin pleaded, his voice rising slightly, sounding hysterical even to his own ears. Begging for forgiveness. Because if she couldn't give it then Danny never could.

But Sam was nodding in agreement, a thoughtful and worried look on her face. "It was easy for him to hide," she murmured.

"But Sam…Sam, think back…it's so…so obvious now!" he exclaimed. "He drank when he studied. He drank before tests to make things easier. He drank after tests to celebrate. He drank to deal with stress…to _avoid_ stress. And not…not just a little," he went on, that terrible sense of guilt and failed-responsibility clawing viciously at his heart. "It was excessive," he whispered. "And _all the time_. And I never saw it!" His voice broke and swallowed hard over the lump in his throat, trying so hard not to cry again.

Gently, Sam touched his cheek, waiting patiently for him to find the courage to meet her eyes again. "This isn't your fault," she whispered.

He jerked back, away from her touch as if burned, shaking his head furiously. "No. No, Sam, don't tell me that. I should have seen it!" he hissed. "We're together all the time…have been for years. We _live together_ now for Christ's sake! How could I have not seen it?!"

"I didn't see it either," she said softly, her own eyes flickering with sadness and guilt. "Look at how good he was at hiding it. Like you said…all the things he's accomplished. He works hard, he's caring and patient…he's built a life with you." Martin squeezed his eyes shut at her last words because that life no longer existed. "He did it all so well…he fooled us both Martin. But even worse, I'm betting he's fooled himself," she stated, tentatively reaching out to take his hand again. "He's probably always thought the same things we're thinking now."

"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously.

"He's not living in a ditch somewhere, he's not in jail, he hasn't been in a car wreck or anything drastic…all things you'd associate with an alcoholic. But his life is good…so I'm betting it's been easy for him to hide the truth from himself," she said matter-of-factly. It was almost like she was talking about someone else, her voice void of most emotion. But Martin knew her well enough to see the worry and fear buried in her gaze.

"What happened to make you see it?" Sam asked after a few minutes.

"Vivian saw it," he answered quietly. Vivian was their new lawyer, having replaced Jason, the attorney they'd had upon opening the bar. He'd moved to Seattle recently, and she had taken over most of his accounts. They'd all liked and trusted her immediately, sad to see Jason go but happy to have someone just as competent and likeable as his replacement.

"She…she and I were talking a few weeks-I mean, days ago," he stumbled over the words, desperately needing for at least one thing to remain a secret from Sam. He caught her eye and saw her frown, but he continued on quickly before she could say anything. "And it was only a few words…she just mentioned that Danny drank an awful lot. At the time it was nothing, but…her words stayed with me and I found myself going over _so much_ in my head. And Sam, the more I thought about it…I couldn't stop. It started to just…it became so clear. Painfully clear…everything I'd missed, what I had never seen…"

"So…you confronted him with it, didn't you?" she asked.

He nodded miserably, looking away from her again. He shut his eyes and was struck by flash after flash of memory…their fight coming back to him in a string of angry words and bitter accusations. And finally, Danny's horrible, terrifying dismissal. "He said I was crazy. But I had to…had to keep telling him what I felt, what I had figured out. He wouldn't listen to any of it. I told him that I loved him, pleaded with him…told him that I was worried about him and I just wanted him to get some help and he…" he stopped, unable to breathe suddenly, digging his nails deeply into the palms of his hands, nearly piercing the skin. The memory was…brutal and painful and too much for him to handle. "He told me to leave," he whispered, eyes filling with tears…and the sadness was unbearable, but he'd passed the worst part and was able to stop clenching his hand into fists; he could even catch his breath. "He said that we were…over…" And despite his achievement at breathing again, he was not so successful in stopping his heart from breaking all over again.

Sam pulled him close and wrapped him up in comforting arms, her own body shaking slightly…crying along with him. Nothing would ever be the same…and he had no idea how to live without Danny.

tbc...


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks to all who reviewed on the 1st chapter!_

**Part 2**

"Martin, wait a minute," Sam said, stopping him just outside of the bar.

He turned to face her, confused. He forced a smile, trying to appear less nervous than he was. But Danny was just steps away, and Martin still wasn't sure if he could even do this. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to act? They'd been apart for years…and they'd parted on such terrible terms. He had no idea what he was going to do once he actually saw Danny. But the anticipation was killing him, and suddenly Sam looked uncertain and nervous. It made him further doubt that this was a good idea.

"What is it Sam?" he asked softly, trying his hardest not to let his emotions show. But he was a mess. If Sam was having second thoughts on bringing the two of them together then how on earth was he supposed to find the courage to actually go inside?

"I just…Martin I never told you the truth. Not completely anyway," she said, her voice sounding strange to his ears. It was guilt and a certain kind of fear…neither of which he understood. Neither of which he could deal with right now.

"The truth about what?"

"I…I know what happened when the two of you broke up," she whispered, her eyes meeting his for a brief moment before darting away.

But he couldn't quite figure out what she was getting at. He hugged his arms tightly across his chest, trying to stay warm, but his nerves were a bigger part of his dropping temperature than the weather was. "Sam…I don't know what you mean," he said impatiently. "And you're really not helping my confidence right now!"

"I'm sorry," she replied gently, reaching out and touching her glove-covered hand to his cheek. "But what I have to say doesn't…it doesn't change anything now. You still need to go in there and talk to him."

"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?" His voice was fearful, soft and Sam stepped closer to him, offering comfort.

"He will," she said confidently. "I already told you that he misses you…that he has for a long time."

He searched her eyes for a moment, looking for the lie, but he saw none. It still didn't make him any less nervous. "What is it you have to tell me then?" he asked again. "And do you have to tell me now? I mean…it's freezing out here Sam!"

She rolled her eyes and hit him lightly on the arm. "You've been away from New York for too long. And yes…I have to tell you now. I want you to know before you talk to him," she said. The soft guilt was back in her voice and she looked down and sighed. When she raised her eyes again they were full of worry. "He told me what happened when you broke up Martin. He told me _everything_."

He froze, eyes wide as he looked at her, unable to look away no matter how desperately he wanted to. "When?" It was the only thing he could think of to ask. Terrifying that she knew the whole story…because he'd fought long and hard at keeping that particular memory locked tightly away.

"When it happened," she answered. "I…I went to see him that night. The night you came to my house."

Trembling, he took a step backwards until his back touched the wall of the building. The brick was cold against his body but it was solid…something he needed right now. He remembered very little from the night he'd talked to Sam. It had been a few weeks after he and Danny had actually broken up, after he'd confronted Danny about his alcoholism. But he had never told Sam that; had told her it had only happened a few days prior to the night he came to see her. He'd lived those few weeks in between in a sort of daze…not really certain of where he stood or what was important in his life. He had lived out of a hotel, unable to go back to their apartment and gather his things…doing so would've made everything too final. He spent those weeks desperately trying not to recall what had happened during their fight. The days were a blur, the nights a jumble of terrifying nightmares and the inability to sleep most of the time. By the time he'd finally told Sam what had happened, it was still fresh in his mind because he hadn't let himself _think_ about it until then. She had insisted that he stay at her place that night, practically tucking him in, pressing a kiss to his forehead and murmuring something silly like _"it'll be all right,"_ before she left the room. But it hadn't been all right. It still wasn't.

"After you fell asleep I told Jack what had happened and said that I had to go see Danny," she explained, stepping closer and gently touching his shoulder again. "I hated seeing you so hurt Martin, but I had to…had to know his side of the story too."

"He told you everything?" he whispered. The urge to run was overwhelming because he didn't want to think about that night right now. He didn't want to think about that night ever again. And Sam had known all along…his deepest secret.

She nodded, both hands on his arms now, probably knowing he wanted to escape. "Honey, you know that it wasn't your fault, right?" she asked gently.

He bit his lip and shook his head, pressing back further against the cold wall of the building. "Just tell me what happened," he whispered, desperate for anything that would keep him from having to talk about it. Even if it meant hearing her talk about it….

"So, let me guess…Martin told you what happened," he snapped, watching as she took off her coat and draped it over the back of a chair.

She raised an eyebrow and looked at him curiously, surprised by his tone. She had been here less than two minutes and he was already on the defensive. A desperate, trembling Martin flashed before her eyes and she had to fight the flash of anger she felt towards Danny at that moment. "He told me that the two of you broke up. That you threw him out," she replied coolly.

Pain flashed through Danny's eyes before he hid it with a cynical, indifferent shrug and turned away. She knew that he was hurting…probably just as badly as Martin. Because she knew how much Danny loved him, how much Danny needed him. But his pride was easier to wound and Danny was the one that had been put on the spot…accused of something Sam knew was true: he was an alcoholic. Furthermore, she wanted to comfort him, because they were both her friends and she didn't love one more than the other, but she had to act completely different than she had with Martin. Especially because now that she knew the truth, she wanted to address that issue in the same breath…she wanted to help him.

"What happened Danny?" she asked.

"I thought you knew," he snapped angrily, arms crossed across his chest as he faced her. He made no move to sit down or invite her to do so.

So she stepped closer and mimicked his position, not about to back down. "But I want to hear your side of things."

He narrowed his eyes for a moment, suspicious and not trusting her words. But when she didn't look away he gave up and ran his hands through his hair instead, flinging his arms out to the side then and looking frustrated. "He's changed Sam," he said defensively.

She shook her head. "No he hasn't. Tell me what happened Danny," she persisted, watching as his expression again flashed with anger and then avoidance. He was hiding something.

"Then how do you explain what he said?"

"What did he say?"

"You know what he said! He came to see you, didn't he?!" Danny yelled, exasperated.

"Yes he did," she answered calmly. "And I know what he told me. I'm sure that you know what he told me too. But Danny, tell me this…why is it you can't bring yourself to say it now?"

"It's not true!" he screamed, face red with anger, eyes so dark they were almost black.

She would've flinched had she not known him so long and so well. Instead she held up her hands in defeat – a lie of course – and nodded. "Fine, it's not true. So why didn't you explain that to him?"

"I did! I tried to tell him over and over but he wouldn't listen. He just kept…"

"What Danny? What did he do?" she asked.

"Don't push me Sam," he threatened, backing away from her with a certain amount of fear on his face. It was mixed in with the anger and as he started pacing back and forth across his living room, she watched the fear start to overtake that anger. "He kept accusing me of…of drinking too much," he said, voice a tad softer now, filled with nerves. "That I drink when I'm stressed or to avoid stress…or how I have to order a drink as soon as we go out somewhere, which I don't," he insisted quickly. She said nothing, only nodded a little, indicating for him to continue. She was afraid to interrupt, hoping that if he talked it out himself that he'd be able to see it for what it was. "He said I…drink when I wake up sometimes, that I always have something to drink before bed…he just kept going on and on."

His voice was unsteady now, as the words seemed to tumble out of him. She wanted nothing more than to offer comfort but was certain that it'd be better for her to wait. "I…how could he say all of that to me?" he asked softly.

She waited a few minutes, wanting to see if he said anything else. But he seemed at a loss for words now as he sat down on the couch and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. Rather than sit next to him as she had with Martin, she sat down in the chair across from him and watched him carefully. Danny had always been so much harder to comfort than Martin. For anything. Martin turned inward and hid his pain a lot of the time, but once she found a way through to it, she always found a way to comfort him. But Danny was harder, because while he showed his pain outwardly most of the time, he practically refused sympathy. Martin was probably the only one who'd been able to find a way past his walls, but she wasn't sure that she ever had.

"Was he right?" she asked gently.

He looked up sharply, his eyes locked on hers, a certain desperation in his gaze that she hated seeing. It was painful and frightening, and she was beginning to realize just how much she wanted to help him. How much he needed that help.

"Danny…" she murmured his name, leaning forward slightly and reaching for his hand.

The second she touched him he pulled back and stood up again, looking at her angrily. "No Sam, he wasn't right. He's not right. I'm not an…alcoholic!" he said coldly, his voice breaking only for a second over the last word.

The problem now was his pride, his stubbornness…but more directly his fear. She knew that he knew Martin's words had been true, but she couldn't force him to admit that. Instead, she nodded, forcing herself not to cry as she stood up and gathered her coat into her arms.

"Good night Sam," he whispered, waving randomly towards the door before turning away.

She hesitated before slipping on her coat. She wanted to walk over to where he stood by the window, holding himself so rigidly; probably desperate for her to leave so he could release the emotions he didn't want her to see. She wanted to wrap her arms around him the way she had with Martin and offer comfort. But she knew enough to know that it would make things worse.

"Good night Danny," she replied sadly. A heavy sadness settled over her heart as she turned away, walking slowly through his living room and through the hallway to the door. She wanted so badly to help him, to make things better…for both of them. She couldn't imagine them not being together and it hurt to even think about it.

"Sam…wait." Just about to open the door, she stopped and turned around at the sound of his voice…hoarse and uneven. He stood a few feet away now, leaning against the wall for support, his face wet with tears. Her heart throbbed painfully and she stepped towards him, stopping quickly when he shook his head. He had his arms wrapped tightly across his chest now, eyes filling up with tears once more as he looked at her.

"I did something terrible Sam," he said very softly, a certain panic leaking out with his words.

She looked at him carefully, seeing for the first time the dark circles under his eyes and the way he was trembling slightly. He had his hand on the wall now, but stayed a few feet away from her, unwilling it seemed, to come any closer. He seemed to be pleading with her for something and the only thing she could think to do was ask him to explain.

"What's wrong Danny? What happened?" she asked quietly. She took a step closer to him, stopping abruptly when he backed up, his eyes widening fearfully. He seemed afraid for her to get too close. It worried her, and her mind started to race through all of the possibilities of what he could have done that he professed to be so terrible. And she wanted to comfort him somehow, but she sensed his reluctance for that. He leaned against the wall again and tried to meet her eyes. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, finally settling them tightly behind his back. Still, he hadn't answered her and she was becoming more and more concerned. "Danny?"

"I hit him," he whispered, pain flashing brightly across his face. He squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered softly as he sunk down to the floor. He drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly, drawing in on himself.

She watched him fall apart, frozen to her own spot on the floor now, too shocked to move or even to say anything. It was devastating to watch him cry, to see his obvious and powerful remorse, the hurt that radiated from him brightly. But she didn't know what to do, what to say. Of all the things he could have said, she had never expected this. She knew all about Danny's tragic and painful childhood…the abuse he and his brother had suffered at the hands of their father. It wasn't something he had shared easily or even very willingly, but she knew…she and Martin both knew. And it had affected him to the point that made him vow to never be the same way…to never raise his hand to anyone. She knew this. Yet she also knew he had a temper. Something he worked hard to control, but was often beyond him…especially if he'd been drinking.

But more than all that she knew just how much he loved Martin. How careful he was and always had been with Martin. Because Martin, while very attracted to Danny despite their initial bickering and dislike of one another, had been cautious and wary of starting a relationship with him. And Danny had gone to great lengths with him to get to where the two of them were now. Or had been.

"Sam…I'm so sorry," he cried, forcing himself to look up at her. His voice sounded so small, so full or regret and anguish.

She bit down on her lip, drawing in a deep breath and trying not to cry herself. His eyes were haunted, filled with a deep and dark sort of pain that she couldn't deny. Cautiously, still not sure if he would welcome her comfort, she sat down next to him on the floor and gently touched his arm. To her great surprise he turned to her and leaned closer, didn't push her away when she hugged him.

"I…I wasn't thinking," he said mournfully as he lay his head on her shoulder. "He just kept…wanting to help me, telling me what he saw in me and I…I lost my temper. I couldn't listen to him anymore and I…oh God…" he broke off, his body trembling in her arms. He sobbed against her, holding her tightly, leaning against both her and the wall as if one alone wasn't enough to hold him up. "He…he looked at me and he was afraid Sam! I made him afraid of me! And I tried to take it back, to apologize but…how could I? He didn't say anything else…not even when I made it worse and told him to leave, that we were through. I just…there's no way I can make this better…" he trailed off, voice breaking again.

She wasn't quite sure how to comfort him. On one hand she wanted to be angry, to yell at him or even easier…just walk away. But he was shattered and lost and she was afraid of what he might do if she left. So instead she let him cry, gently running her fingers through his hair and staying silent, waiting for his tears to pass. She was beginning to realize too that this was, even more than their actual breakup, what had put Martin so on edge, had left him trembling and broken. And this was what he'd hidden from her, because she had known there was something. They must have actually broken up weeks ago, maybe while she and Jack were still on their honeymoon. She shuddered to think of what Martin had been going through on his own since then, waiting for her return, needing someone to talk to.

Eventually, Danny stopped crying. Exhausted, he slipped out of her embrace, leaning back against the wall and shutting his eyes. Gently she touched his cheek with her fingertips but he flinched and turned away, wrapping his arms around his chest as he did. Frowning, she moved closer and bit down on her lip.

"Danny look at me," she demanded softly, waiting until he did as she requested. His eyes were still tear-stained, haunted and empty. "I love you honey," she said earnestly, pressing her hand more firmly against his cheek when he tried to turn away. "I don't understand what you did or why you did it, but I know that you regret it. I know that you love him and that hurting him, especially like that…is killing you." He only nodded in response, blinking back another onslaught of tears. "But Danny, think about this please…what Martin said to you, the problem he suggested you have…could what you did to him be because of that?" she asked softly.

His eyes narrowed and he shook his head. "Sam…"

"Danny!" she interrupted, frustrated and uncertain of what she was doing. "Think about it! You hit him!" she said heatedly, seeing him wince at her words. But she didn't stop, needing him to understand. "It's hardly like that's normal behavior for you, and it's something that you've fought against your whole life. But I don't think the problem is your temper as much as what you let fuel it. Were you drinking that night?"

"Sam…" he threatened, eyes flashing with defensive anger now.

"Answer me!" she yelled, tired of his denial, even though logically, she knew it wasn't something she could force.

"Yes!" he answered. "I'd had a fucking drink! Is that what you wanted to hear?!"

She was betting it had been more than one drink, but she didn't take the time to debate that issue. "Had you been sober, would you have hit him?"

"I don't know!" he yelled. His eyes were angry, holding her gaze until she looked away.

Sighing, she blinked back tears and stood up, grabbing her coat from where it had fallen on the floor and slipping into it. Hesitating, she leaned down a little and gently squeezed his shoulder. But she said nothing and neither did he, although she gave him ample time to stop her as she lingered in the doorway, finally giving up and closing the door behind her.

"I didn't want you to know Sam," Martin whispered, his blue eyes sad and scared, haunted much in the same way Danny's had been all those years ago.

She nodded, tentatively reaching out to touch his arm. It was cold and their breath was steaming between them, but it didn't bother her. It was Martin's sad and empty expression that left her shivering. She longed for him to say something else, to talk to her about what happened. She wanted him to open up to her…but she knew he wouldn't. No matter what she said, he'd keep _this_ pain inside, and she understood why. He'd never wanted her to know, had never wanted anyone to know. It was something private and dark that he'd probably never really worked through…in fact she knew he hadn't. His fearful, desperate expression told her that. There was only one person who could possibly help him let go of the memory and the pain.

"You've never talked to him about it, have you?" she asked gently.

He shook his head. "How could I? I left after that and the next time I saw him it was at your sons' christening," he said bitterly. "Sometimes I just wish that I hadn't…"

"You hadn't what?" she asked when he didn't finish, narrowing her eyes slightly. "Confronted him?"

He nodded meekly. "Maybe then he wouldn't have…"

"Hit you?" she finished.

He shrugged, completely closed off now. "I don't know."

Sighing, she shut her eyes and counted to ten. "Where would he have been if you hadn't confronted him about his alcoholism?" she asked, trying not to sound angry or impatient. He didn't answer and she fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Jesus Martin…he was well on his way to killing himself as much as he used to drink. You _know_ that," she stressed, her hands on his shoulders now. "And do you think that if you'd stayed…if you'd said nothing and stayed…would you be happy? Either of you?"

He shook his head, meeting her eyes reluctantly. "Probably not."

Relieved that he had agreed, she smiled softly and squeezed his shoulders. "You need to talk to him…about all of it," she said.

"I don't know if I can," he whispered. "I didn't before. I just left," he said guiltily. "I moved away before and didn't even try to talk to him…I couldn't."

"But neither could he," Sam replied. "I didn't see him for at least two months after that night. I tried to see him, to call him but…he wouldn't let me. I knew he was okay because Vivian talked to him occasionally. When he showed up at my door a few months later he'd changed Martin. He'd gotten help, he'd stopped drinking…" she said, a note of pride in her voice. "But the one thing he never worked up enough courage for was to talk to you. It's hung over his head ever since, and he needs to put it behind him. So do you," she said firmly.

Martin could only nod, knowing she was right, but not knowing how he was supposed to face Danny again after all this time. After everything that had happened between them. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to banish his fear. He had to take this chance, had to push past his uncertainty…because his life had been hollow for too long. Bravely, he opened his eyes again and smiled at her. His nerves were still firmly in place, but he wasn't going to let them stop him.

Gripping tightly to Sam's hand he followed her down the stairs to the bar he'd opened with her and Danny years ago. It was nostalgic enough just being here again. When he'd moved to Washington, he'd remained a partner in their business, communicating only through Sam, but he'd missed actually being here. The establishment that the three of them had dreamed up together and made into a reality. He felt a surge of pride as they stepped inside.

Sam led him around the bar to the smaller, quieter room they'd had put in the back. It still got rowdy and noisy when there was a bigger crowd of people, but being that it was a Wednesday, the crowd was relatively small and most of it had gathered in the room around the bar.

There were a few other people in the smaller room, but Martin saw none of them. He stopped as they stepped through the doorway, frozen in place as his eyes found Danny. Danny who was smiling at Vivian who sat across the table from him, laughing at something she had said. He looked…great. Healthy, happy…so beautiful. Martin tried to catch his breath, praying that Danny didn't see him for a few more minutes so he had a chance to observe him unnoticed. Martin had remembered everything about Danny perfectly, but seeing him again only reinforced and fed those memories. His dark, thick hair that Martin could practically feel between his fingers, his warm, smiling eyes, his mouth…

Shivering, Martin untied his scarf and shoved his gloves into his pockets. Quickly, he grasped Sam's hand and met her eyes. She seemed amused. He wanted to say something, to stop her before she called Danny's name…but if he spoke he knew Danny would hear him. No escaping now.

"Danny…are you done studying yet?" Sam called from across the room, a light, innocent tone in her voice that Martin felt like smacking out of her.

But then the thought was gone…in fact he couldn't think at all. Danny had looked up, smiling at the sound of Sam's voice, but he'd only looked at her for a moment before he glanced Martin's way. His smile faded and Martin saw him swallow hard. His brown eyes filled with surprise and fear and a powerful sort of hurt. Martin couldn't say anything, couldn't do anything but stare back, caught helplessly in Danny's gaze.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed frozen, staring at one another. Eventually, he felt a tug on his arm and realized Sam was pulling him along with her, closer to the table…closer to Danny. Vaguely he was aware of Vivian's greeting, which he managed to return, hugging her hello and watching quietly as she gathered her stuff. Danny had said nothing but Martin's hug with Vivian had finally broken their eye contact. He had no idea how to get it back now.

The next thing he knew he was sitting across from the man he had missed for so long. Sam was at his side, smiling mischievously and looking immensely proud of herself. She glanced back and forth between the two of them and sighed impatiently. But she knew better than to goad them into this too quickly…so she started talking instead, telling Danny that Martin was visiting her, Jack and the boys; telling Martin that Danny was only a few months away from taking the Bar.

She talked more than she normally would, wanting to fill their silence and hoping to get one or both of them to jump in at some point. But Martin heard very little of what she said, concentrating instead on staring at his hands on the table in front of him. Occasionally he'd let his eyes wander a little…seeing Danny's hands mere inches away. Bravely, he even tried to look up, to meet Danny's eyes, only to look back down if Danny did the same.

All the while he was remembering. Sam's words only white noise now as the memories rushed over him. Surprisingly good ones…

Neither of them went home for Christmas. They'd already spent a good portion of their winter break at school with Sam working on that project. She'd gone to visit her sister for the holiday, but Martin had made the excuse to his parents that the trip to Washington just wasn't practical for such a short time. Not that it was, by any means, a long trip. In the end, they'd agreed, only reinforcing the fact that Martin knew they'd be happier without him home anyway. Danny, in turn, really didn't have anyone to go home to. He had no real ties with his last foster family, his brother was in jail…staying at school was his only real option.

Nonetheless, the holiday made them both slightly nostalgic and wishful, and when Martin had shyly invited Danny to spend the day at his aunt's house upstate, Danny had agreed easily. Martin had been surprised by how easily Danny had fit in with him there. Even more surprised at the way they seemed to project the image that they'd been friends for a long time. Or friends since the beginning of the semester at least. The truth was, of course, quite different, and a part of Martin still felt odd that he'd even invited Danny. But the time they'd spent together with Sam working on their class project had made them closer.

Inviting Danny to Christmas dinner so he wouldn't have to be alone was one thing, but Martin was pretty sure that once they were back at school their closeness would diminish. They hardly had anything in common after all. And a semester's worth of dislike was unlikely to turn around after a few weeks of friendliness.

That was why Martin was so surprised to find Danny in his dorm room, the two of them eating pizza and watching a movie together. It was still winter break and there were still very few people back on campus. Sam wouldn't be back for a few more days and Martin had been content to hole up in his room, review his classes for the next semester, watch movies and just revel in the freedom he had away from his strict family.

But having Danny here with him was…unnerving. Martin still wasn't entirely sure where they stood. Were they friends now? Was Danny just here because practically everyone else had gone home and he was lonely? Worst of all, Martin couldn't stop the feelings that had been growing in him for weeks now. Feelings that left him shaky and scared and excited at the same time. Feelings for Danny. He liked looking at Danny. Liked the way his dark hair was always spiked up and messy, leaving Martin to wonder what it felt like. Liked his eyes, which lit up and became so warm when he laughed…or left Martin breathless and uncertain when they looked at him a certain way. Looks Martin had never been able to understand. He liked Danny's lips…found himself wondering if they would feel as soft as they looked, what they would feel like against his own…

Martin had known for a long time that he was bisexual. That he was into guys as much, if not more, than girls. But he had very little experience with either. He'd had sex with a girl in high school…once. He'd kissed another guy. There was very little else he could add to that list.

Danny had caught his eye from the moment they'd met. But accompanied with his attraction had been an instant dislike and desire to compete. Now that all of their animosity was gone though…he wasn't quite sure what to do. And without the buffer of Samantha between them, Martin had to wonder what might happen next.

"Let's go out," Danny said suddenly, standing up and stretching a bit. He raised his arms over his head, which tugged his t-shirt upwards slightly, affording Martin a brief glance at his stomach.

Swallowing hard, Martin blushed and looked away quickly, not wanting to get caught. "Go where?" he asked.

Danny shrugged. "I dunno…nowhere special. But I'm tired of being trapped in these tiny dorm rooms. We could go get something to eat," he suggested.

Martin laughed and looked at him strangely. "We just ate pizza," he pointed out.

"I'm sure _you_ won't complain if we happen to eat something else," Danny teased, his eyes bright as he smiled.

Martin felt himself shiver at Danny's smile and he berated himself inwardly, feeling like a thirteen-year-old girl. "All right, let's go," he agreed, unable to say no.

It was hours later when they made it back to Martin's dorm room, having spent the evening walking through the city with no particular destination in mind. Stopping here and there to window-shop, to step inside different places and warm up…to eat. Martin couldn't recall having such a free and easy night with a friend in a very long time. But the thought brought his worries back and he felt compelled to find out the truth.

"What's wrong Martin?" he asked, mimicking Martin's frown and crossing his arms over his chest as he stood in Martin's doorway, the hall behind him empty of anyone else.

"Nothing," Martin lied weakly, biting his lip nervously when Danny gave him an obvious _I'm-not-buying-it_ look.

"Come on, tell me," Danny insisted.

Sighing, Martin looked down, feeling awkward and uncertain. He shook his head, wishing – not for the first time – that Danny weren't so persistent. But he needed to have his question answered and now was as good a time as any. "I just…are we…" he trailed off, frustrated. He had no idea how to phrase his words without sounding immature and silly. "Did you really want to hang out with me tonight?" he asked finally.

Danny frowned and looked at him quizzically. "Of course I did. What do you mean?"

Martin shook his head again, feeling ridiculous. "I just wasn't sure coz Danny we haven't…I mean, we're not exactly…"

"Friends?" Danny asked, finishing what Martin found himself unable to.

Martin nodded, quickly avoiding Danny's gaze again. He sucked in a sharp breath, shivering when he felt Danny's fingers beneath his chin, forcing him to look up and meet his eyes.

Danny smiled at him, a gentle sort of patience in his eyes…and something else Martin was afraid to make too much of. "I want us to be friends," Danny said softly.

Martin was suddenly very aware of how close Danny was to him, how he'd yet to remove his fingers from Martin's skin. He found it very hard to look away now and he swallowed hard when Danny's fingers moved slightly…so very much like a caress. "I want that too," Martin finally answered, his voice shaking slightly, much to his discern.

Danny's smile brightened and he stepped back a little ways. Martin noticed that he seemed a little shaken himself, taking a deep breath and running his hand through his hair as he grinned. But Martin couldn't figure out why that would be…in fact the more he thought about it, the more he was able to convince himself that it hadn't even happened.

"I'll see you tomorrow Martin," he said. "Lunch?"

Martin nodded and forced himself to smile. "Sounds good."

From there they spent the remaining days of their winter break in each other's company. Whether staying in and watching movies or talking in one of their dorm rooms, or going out and discovering more of New York…they were constantly together. Martin was happier than he had been in a very long time and the more time he spent with Danny the more he found himself fantasizing about him. He was uncertain though. Couldn't tell if Danny felt the same way. There were moments when Martin was almost positive that he did, but he could never find the courage to ask or to make a move…terrified that Danny would reject him. And then he would lose his friendship as well as the chance at anything more.

It was a Friday…their last one before classes resumed. Sam would be coming back tomorrow, and this almost unrealistic period of aloneness would be over. Martin wanted so desperately to do or say something that would make it last, to find out if Danny wanted what he did. Again, he found himself wishing that Danny weren't so hard for him to read.

"Fitz, you wanna go anywhere tonight?" Danny asked as the TV show they had been half-watching ended.

Martin shook his head, not really answering, staring instead at the television as if the commercials were so captivating. But the screen went blank suddenly and he was forced to look up, meeting Danny's questioning gaze reluctantly. He bit his lip and tried to smile, wishing Danny's gaze wasn't so penetrating. He was helpless to move as Danny got out of the chair he was lounging in and sat next to Martin on his bed.

"Where are you?" Danny asked, smiling softly.

Martin rolled his eyes and forced a laugh. "Sorry, just got distracted."

"By the show?"

Martin shook his head. "No," he answered quietly.

"What then?"

Taking a deep breath, Martin looked up and smiled weakly at Danny. "I just…well, everyone's going to start moving back tomorrow, and Sam will be coming back and I just…I'll miss…this…" he answered, stumbling over his words, wondering how Danny would take them. Danny looked at him closely, trapping Martin in his gaze as he tried to figure something out in his head. "I…I like being with you Danny," Martin admitted, needing to fill the silence between them. "Just you and I…" he trailed off, waiting for Danny to figure things out…and then freak out.

Instead he felt Danny's hand on his neck, his thumb gently rubbing the sensitive skin behind his ear. He shivered and met dark, warm eyes…his own gaze filled with surprise and nervousness. "I like being with you too," Danny said softly. He leaned closer and Martin had no time to answer, no time to panic or do anything other than tremble and lean into Danny's touch. "Couldn't you tell?"

Danny pressed his lips to Martin's and kissed him softly, his fingers still moving gently on Martin's neck. Martin quickly lost himself in Danny's light touch, found himself returning the kiss with an ease he wouldn't have thought possible. He shivered, surprised when he felt Danny do the same. Tentatively, he put his hand on Danny's shoulder, fingers creeping anxiously towards his neck, wanting to touch his warm skin. As the kiss deepened, Martin whimpered softly, trembling slightly, warmth spreading through him quickly. His fingers slipped into Danny's hair and pressed closer to the other man as Danny's tongue touched his.

He felt dizzy and lightheaded and undeniably happy. When they finally broke apart minutes later, he smiled shyly, blushing as Danny ran his thumb over Martin's bottom lip and met his eyes. Danny's own dark gaze was full of things Martin had been afraid to look for, afraid to ask for, but things he knew he wanted very badly. Danny laughed softly and pulled him closer, his arms coming around Martin and holding him tightly. Danny's earlier words came back to him and he shut his eyes as he returned the embrace.

_Couldn't you tell?_

Now that he thought back, replaying their days together in his head there were clues that he'd been oblivious to. The way Danny flirted with him, the way Danny touched him unnecessarily…the things he sometimes saw in Danny's smile that were so much more than simple friendship.

"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time Fitzie," Danny murmured, his breath warm against Martin's ear. He pulled back slightly and smiled as he looked into Martin's eyes.

"You have?"

Danny grinned and leaned closer until their foreheads touched. "Yes," he answered, lips brushing against Martin's mouth. Martin laughed in return, initiating another kiss, warmth spreading all through him again.

"So Danny, this means you…you want to…do this?" he asked, blushing furiously as he realized his words. "I mean…you and me," he amended softly, embarrassed.

But Danny didn't laugh, tilting Martin's chin up to meet his eyes. Martin saw nothing but honesty there as Danny nodded and smiled gently at him. Eventually Martin found himself able to smile back, laughing nervously and still blushing. Danny laughed and pulled him close again, his fingers passing softly through Martin's hair and across the back of his neck.

"Yes Martin," he answered. "I want this." He pressed his lips to Martin's temple and then his cheek, a smile still on his lips that Martin could feel. "I'm looking forward to this…to you and I. To finding out if when you blush it spreads everywhere…" he teased, voice lower now. Martin shivered and hugged him tighter, his words and their implications spreading through him quickly and leaving him slightly breathless.

They ended up in each other's company for the rest of the night. Talking, laughing, kissing. Neither of them wanted to move too fast, wanting to go slowly and to savor each moment together. They decided to keep things a secret from Sam until they were comfortable with her knowing…with anyone knowing. But it was easy to be together…easier than either of them had thought, and falling in love had been all too simple.

**tbc...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

Danny couldn't recall being so nervous. Maybe his first day of law school, or his even his first day of undergrad…or his first AA meeting. But really…this was much worse. A part of him wanted to pull Sam aside and berate her for doing this, for catching him off guard…yet at the same time he was grateful. Because if she'd prepared him, if she'd called him up and let him know that she was on her way to see him with _Martin_…he would've run. Now though, despite the fear and guilt and sadness rushing all around him, he was also happy. Couldn't resist looking up and finally meeting Martin's eyes again; he was surprised to find him smiling. It made his heart ache…made him smile back.

For Danny, the past five years had been a painful reminder of what he'd lost. Everyday when he woke up without Martin, when Martin wasn't there to laugh with him at something, when Martin wasn't there for him to tease…it was all so empty and blank. Not that he hadn't been happy, hadn't had his moments of success and accomplishment. But he hadn't had anyone to share them with. More specifically, he hadn't had the person he'd _wanted_ to share them with. The person he'd lost.

And he hadn't been brave enough to seek him out, to apologize and try to make things better between them. More than anything he wanted Martin back, had wanted him back since the moment he'd lost him. But he knew that wouldn't happen…_couldn't_ happen. Not after what he'd done.

He didn't want to think about _that_ right now because Martin was here, in front of him smiling shyly, no traces of anger or sadness lingering in his eyes. The past was long gone and there was nothing Danny could do to change it, but he could take advantage of now and hopefully find a way to set things right.

"So…" Sam was smiling mischievously – never a good sign – and looking back and forth between the two of them. "I'm going to go ahead and assume that neither of you heard a word I said, which is fine," she added quickly. "Just never, ever make me talk for so long by myself again."

Danny laughed. "Not your greatest strength, is it?"

"Well, she's not you," Martin teased him.

Sam giggled and Danny felt his heart skip a beat. When he looked at Martin again, he saw the predictable blush on his cheeks, the slightly anxious look in his eyes that let Danny know he was worried that he'd overstepped his bounds too quickly. Lighthearted teasing when moments before they hadn't been able to do any better than eye contact. But Danny grinned at him, wanting to convey that everything was all right. More than all right.

Ice sufficiently broken, Sam seemed to take that as her cue. Danny and Martin both looked at her nervously as she stood up and pulled on her coat and scarf.

"Where are you going?" Martin asked, a hint of panic in his voice.

Sam smiled and pulled on her gloves next. "Home," she answered. "I think you two will be fine now."

"But Sam…" Danny protested, sure that his thoughts were very similar to Martin's. Without Sam as a catalyst to further the conversation, Danny wasn't positive that they wouldn't just say goodnight and go their separate ways. He desperately didn't want that to happen.

She rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Martin, I'll see you tomorrow for lunch. Twelve-thirty at my house…Connor and Brian are looking forward to seeing you," she said, ignoring the look of pleading she saw on both of their faces. "Danny, you're welcome to come too. Good night."

And with that she was gone, turning and walking away before they had a chance to protest or even return her farewell. Danny was certain that she was very pleased with herself, would probably smile the whole way home, settle into Jack's arms on their couch and repeat the whole story for him.

The whole story. Turning his gaze away from the door, he looked at Martin again, realizing that the whole story was exactly what he didn't know. Why Martin had even agreed to come and see him tonight. He knew Sam could be a bully when she wanted something done, but Danny was confident that Martin would've refused had he really not wanted to be here. The thought gave him courage, but he still wasn't quite sure what to say, what to ask, how to break through all of this awkwardness and say something meaningful.

Martin looked at him nervously, his smile lopsided, his blue eyes bright with nerves. Danny was relatively positive that he could come up with something superficial to say. He could ask Martin if it was as snowy and cold in Washington as it was here in New York. He could ask how his job was, how his family was…but it wouldn't help them any. He knew it would be all too easy for them to have that conversation. Martin would reply politely – would probably be relieved – and then he'd ask Danny similar questions in turn. They could spend an hour together at best, say goodnight and try to fool themselves that they'd gotten closure. Danny would decline Sam's invitation for lunch tomorrow, Martin would go back to DC in a few days, and they'd be right back to _nothing_ again.

He couldn't let that happen.

"So do you think you can stand a little more of the cold?" Danny asked, smiling suddenly.

Martin furrowed his eyebrows and looked at him curiously. Danny didn't miss the pain that flashed quickly through his blue eyes. He was willing to bet that Martin had been thinking thoughts that were almost identical to his own. And here was Danny starting out that very safe, simple conversation by asking about the weather. Except he wasn't…not really.

"Yeah, why?" Martin asked cautiously.

"Let's take a walk," he suggested, biting down on his lower lip when he saw the skepticism in Martin's eyes. He had to refrain from reaching across the table and grasping the other man's hand. "Come on…the park looks really good in the snow. When's the last time you were here to see it in winter?"

Martin frowned for a few more moments, looking at Danny closely, probably trying to figure out what he was doing. Truthfully, Danny wasn't quite sure, but he knew they shouldn't be doing this here. It was too public, too bright and too full of memories. Not that the majority of those memories wouldn't follow them out into the city, but at least out there they'd have more room to breathe.

"All right Danny, let's go," Martin answered, jarring Danny out of his thoughts and causing him to smile.

Outside the night was brittle and cold, but he didn't notice all that much. Martin followed him wordlessly as they crossed the street and walked the next few blocks to Central Park.

"You're right," Martin said, pausing on the sidewalk and looking at him. "It does look nice…the snow hides a lot."

Danny laughed softly and nodded in agreement. They slowed their pace as they moved away from the streets and further into the park, glad to have the relative peace but careful to stay close to the more populated areas. The snow didn't cover everything after all.

They'd yet to say anything of importance to one another, brave enough to make small talk so that they didn't remain in total silence, but not sure how to approach anything of merit. Unconsciously, Danny found himself walking in a certain direction, wandering with a purpose. And when the ice-skating rink first came into view Martin sucked in a sharp breath and stopped. Danny froze, a rush of longing washing over him when Martin's glove-covered hand gripped his upper arm.

There was a combination of nostalgia and amused curiosity in his eyes, mixed slightly with something more painful. "I thought about this today," Martin murmured, seeming a little bit lost.

Danny didn't move, afraid that if he did Martin would let go of him. And it wasn't much – Martin's hand covered by a thick blue glove, Danny's arm covered by his shirt and wool coat. But it was more contact than either of them had had with each other in almost five years.

"Thought about what Fitz?" he asked, the nickname slipping out easily before he could even think to stop it.

But Martin only smiled, casting his eyes downwards for a moment before looking up again. "Ice-skating. With you."

Danny felt his heart ache, felt tears prick briefly at his eyes before he forced himself past them. He swallowed hard over the lump in his throat and drew in a shaky breath. "We weren't very good at it," he said softly, smiling a little wistfully.

Looking up, Martin laughed, his eyes happier than Danny had expected. "_You_ kept falling down!" he pointed out.

Danny tried to look affronted but couldn't keep from grinning. "As I recall you seemed to be sprawled all over the ice just as often as I was," he replied.

Martin hit him playfully in the shoulder and shook his head. "Only because you wouldn't let go of my hand whenever you fell."

Smiling Danny shook his head, not willing to agree out loud, part of him wondering if their words weren't some weird metaphor for something else. Instead, he looked over at the ice rink for a few moments, unable to believe that this was so easy. Still. It didn't mean there wasn't still a mound of problems and issues that needed unearthed and worked through…but it was a start.

As he watched the people on the rink, he couldn't help but feel a wave of longing. Wishing there was a way to go back to when they were happy and things were simple and there wasn't a dark cloud hanging over them…or at least lingering on the horizon. He glanced over at Martin again and saw that he was also watching the people skating, his expression wistful and a little pained, but his smile lingered. Shivering, Danny looked past Martin for just a moment and saw the sign.

_Ice-skating - $5. With skate rental - $8._

It was probably a bad idea. Nonetheless, he reached out and grasped Martin's hand, felt him shiver even though they both wore gloves. He was grinning when Martin looked up at him; watched as those blue eyes went from a certain sort of anxiousness to being wary.

"Danny?" he asked, suspicious. Still grinning, Danny turned and tugged Martin behind him, not saying a word yet.

"Danny…what are you doing?" Martin asked. Danny laughed mischievously, feeling resistance when he pulled Martin along. The closer they got to the rink, the more he felt Martin pull on his arm. "Danny, I am _not_ going ice skating."

Danny turned around, grinning, trying to force himself to remain unaware that Martin stood so close now, their hands clasped. He knew this plan had the potential to fail, but it had come to him so quickly and without remorse. He also knew that, if it worked, it would lighten things between them…for now.

"Come on Fitz, it'll be fun," Danny protested, trying not to sound too whiny.

"Danny we're not teenagers!"

Rolling his eyes, Danny smirked. "So? We weren't last time either!" By now Martin was alternating between panic and trying not to smile. This was too easy.

Smiling, he reached out with his free hand and tugged gently on Martin's scarf. "Good memories, right?" he asked softly. For a moment Martin looked confused. "Us ice-skating," he added. "Those are good memories, right?"

Martin's expression softened and he nodded, ducking his eyes away from Danny's gaze. Danny saw him shiver and he had to fight hard against the urge to wrap his arms around the other man. They stayed that way for a few minutes, neither quite sure of their footing or what to do next. Eventually, Danny tugged on Martin's hand again causing him to look up. Without words, Danny nodded in the direction of the rink and Martin rolled his eyes. Sighing, and trying his hardest to keep from smiling, he nodded and squeezed Danny's hand.

Martin's laughter was something Danny knew he would never tire of hearing. And after his initial embarrassment, Martin had laughed quite a bit. They got plenty of strange looks from the younger crowd of ice-skaters, but neither of them minded after a while. Martin had blushed and muttered his protests under his breath as Danny had paid for their admission and skate-rental, had complained time and again as they wobbled towards the ice and began skating tentatively around the rink. But soon his mutterings faded into laughs and when he steadied himself enough to meet Danny's eyes he always smiled.

They skated for around an hour. Hardly graceful, they stayed away from as many people as possible, gripping onto one another's arms and scarves as they stumbled and slid across the ice, only really falling a few times. It managed to accomplish what conversation had not, leaving them free to be with each other and forget everything else. It was silly and carefree and good for both of them. Danny knew it wouldn't last, that it wouldn't solve any of their problems, but it didn't matter for the moment.

"I'm freezing!" Martin complained as they turned in their skates and prepared to leave. Danny smiled at him unable to look away, taking in the sight of Martin's smile, his dimples, his red cheeks and bright eyes. He glanced past Danny for a moment, his grin intensifying.

Danny turned and followed his gaze, rolling his eyes as he looked at Martin again. "I should've known."

"What? I love hot-chocolate!" Martin protested.

The cliché of the entire evening had not escaped Danny by any means, but he didn't care. At all. He was too happy to care. "Fine, let's get some," Danny answered, sighing dramatically.

Martin laughed and walked over to the small booth, returning a few minutes later with two steaming cups of hot-chocolate. It was hardly gourmet – probably the instant powdered version with hot water added. But it was hot and did a lot to warm them both.

But as they left the park behind, it drew heavily on Danny's heart. A glance in Martin's direction told him that he was feeling the same way. The park, the skating, the laughter…it had served as a buffer for everything else and now that they were leaving they were both forced to confront it all.

"Are you going to come to Sam's for lunch tomorrow?" Martin asked quietly. They walked side by side on the sidewalk now, the city a harsh reality compared to the dreamlike quality of the park.

They weren't headed in a particular direction and Danny knew how easily the night could end if he wasn't careful. "Maybe," he answered. "Martin…" he stopped walking, putting his hand on Martin's arm and nervously meeting his eyes. "Come back to my apartment. So we can…talk," he added quickly before the invitation could be construed for something it definitely wasn't.

Martin looked away for a few moments. Danny watched him closely, saw him swallow nervously, knew he was weighing his options and trying to figure out what he wanted.

"I know how hard this will be," Danny added softly. "But I…I'm afraid to wait or to put it off because…well, it'll be so easy for us to avoid everything." Martin nodded to himself, silently agreeing but he still didn't say yes, didn't meet Danny's eyes. Quickly nearing desperation, Danny took off one of his gloves and touched Martin's cheek with his fingers. Trembling, he touched Martin's cold skin, holding his breath as he watched Martin close his eyes and bite his lower lip. "Please Martin," he whispered.

Finally, Martin turned to face him again and nodded. He attempted a small smile, but Danny could tell how nervous he was. It made sense because Danny felt the same way. He was dreading the conversation he knew they had to have, but that was just it. He knew they _had_ to have it.

If they had any chance of rebuilding their relationship or even just being friends, they had to talk about what had happened almost five years ago.

"How long have you lived here?" Martin asked, needing to fill the awkward silence.

The silence had been constant since they'd agreed to talk. They'd said nothing during the cab ride to Danny's apartment. And the only other words spoken had been when Danny offered to hang up Martin's coat. Since then they'd moved from the hallway, through the living room into Danny's kitchen. Martin sat nervously on a chair at the table, leaning forward, his elbows on the table. Danny had started out sitting across from him, but had stood up after a only a few seconds, pouring himself a glass of water and drinking it down as he leaned against the countertop. He'd yet to move from that position.

"About two years," Danny replied. "After…you moved to Washington, I…I moved out," he explained nervously, hurt flashing through his dark eyes. Martin winced and looked away, the memory of their shared apartment – their shared life – already painful. He had no clue how they were going to get through this conversation. "I found another place near there, but I didn't like it much. So then I moved here."

Martin nodded in response and went back to glancing around the kitchen as if he expected to find something new to talk about. Something easy and mundane…something that would stall the inevitable for just a little bit more. When he heard the other chair scrape softly against the floor he swallowed hard, forcing himself to look at Danny as he sat down again. There was no easy way to start.

"Martin…"

"I'm sorry," Martin blurted out, his eyes wide as he looked into Danny's.

Danny's frowned, looking confused as he pulled his chair slightly closer to the table. "Sorry for what?"

"For leaving," Martin answered quickly, without hesitation. It was something he'd kept inside for years.

Danny's eyes widened, his mouth opening slightly for a few seconds before he closed it again and tried to gather his composure. "You…you think I blame you?" Danny finally managed to ask, his voice little more than a whisper.

Martin shrugged, feeling helpless. He wasn't sure how to answer Danny's question. For years, he'd regretted his decision to move so far away. To run away and not look back. In the beginning it had been to protect himself because Danny had hurt him more than anyone ever had, and he'd had to put distance between them so that he didn't risk the same heartache again. But the longer he'd stayed in Washington, the more cowardly the decision had seemed.

"I should've come back," he murmured.

"Why?" Danny asked, his voice hardening slightly. "Why would you want to come back after what I did?"

"We could've worked through it," Martin answered, his voice trembling.

Danny's eyes narrowed in anger, his mouth settling into a firm line. For a few moments he seemed at a loss for words, struggling to stay calm and not let his emotions bubble too close to the surface. "You had every right to leave," he said tightly. "And every right to stay away for that matter."

Martin shook his head. "I should've tried harder," he protested. "And maybe if I hadn't pushed so hard then--"

"Oh no, no, no…please tell me you haven't…" Danny stopped, eyes wide, a strange almost terrified look in his expression. He slid his chair close, reaching out and grasping one of Martin's hands in his own. "All this time…please Martin…" he stumbled over the words, looking nearly panicked now. "Please tell me you haven't blamed yourself," he finally managed to say, the words rushing out of him as he squeezed Martin's hand tightly.

He supposed it was irrational, foolish even, but there was a part of Martin – a rather large part – that had done exactly that. Blamed himself. He'd flinched away from the same words earlier when Sam had tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault. He'd thought about it countless times over the years, going over the entire situation again and again in his head until it left him aching.

"I should've…should've known you had a drinking problem," he said very softly, eyes cast downward. "We…we shared everything Danny. You were my whole world…and I didn't know. Didn't figure it out until Vivian casually mentioned that you drank a lot. I should've known," he repeated. "And I shouldn't have confronted you that way. Maybe if I'd talked to Sam first or…found out what else I could do or…" he trailed off helplessly, his voice full of remorse.

"Fitz…this was not your fault," Danny said firmly. His eyes captured and held Martin's gaze. They were filled with sorrow and a horrible, infinite sense of regret. "None of it was," he added. "I hid things from everyone…from _myself_. Even after you left, after I lost everything…I still didn't quite believe it. Then, eventually, I just…I took stock of what I'd lost. It was a very long list and you were at the very top," he said sadly. "What I had left was an empty apartment, a bunch of half-empty liquor bottles and a tragic sense of misplaced pride."

"You got help," Martin said softly. He ached for the pain in Danny's voice, the loss and regret he heard there. It hurt so much and he wished – not for the first time – that he had been there to help. However, he was slowly beginning to realize that it might not have mattered. That this had been something Danny had needed to go through on his own or else it wouldn't have worked.

Danny nodded in response and met Martin's eyes again. "Yes, I did. It wasn't easy and I…I still struggle with it," he admitted. He was quiet for a few minutes and Martin waited, sensing that he wasn't finished. "I have a sponsor, I go to AA meetings, I did the whole twelve-step thing…but there was one part that I never got right," he said, voice trembling.

Confused, Martin frowned, his forehead creasing, his eyes searching Danny's for an explanation. "What do you mean?"

"You," Danny answered. "I never finished that whole 'make amends' step because I could never find the courage to face you. And above all people Martin, _you_ were the person that I had the most to make up to."

Martin looked away quickly, biting down on his lower lip and bouncing his leg nervously. His heart nearly stopped beating when he felt Danny's hand on his cheek then his neck. He sucked in a breath and shut his eyes, unable to stop shaking as Danny's hand reached the back of his neck, fingers pressing soothingly against his skin.

"Danny please…" he whimpered.

"I'm sorry," Danny said hoarsely.

Martin shook his head just a little, shivering when he felt Danny's other hand touch the opposite side of his face. He knew Danny was closer now, could sense it, could almost feel him there right in front of him. He kept his eyes shut and tried to stay as still as possible, concentrating on taking slow, steady breaths. A useless task when his heart was already beating so erratically.

"I'm sorry for breaking your heart," Danny confessed. Martin heard tears in his voice and it made him ache. "For everything I said to you and accused you of. More than anything I'm…I'm sorry for hitting you," he whispered. "For hurting you that way and…making you afraid of me."

"Please…" Martin begged, leaning forward slightly, his eyes still shut. He couldn't ask, couldn't form the words, but Danny understood what he wanted anyway. Martin shivered, tears slipping from his eyes as Danny pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Martin's back and holding him tightly.

"I know exactly what that pain is like," Danny whispered, his voice against Martin's ear. "When someone you love, someone you _trust_ hurts you that way. It's such a terrible betrayal." Martin could only nod, returning Danny's embrace eagerly now, needing to be closer. "And I've regretted it ever since," Danny went on after a few moments. "I'm so sorry Fitzie. I'll always be sorry."

Martin was silent for a while, his eyes shut, content to stay quietly in Danny's arms. He wasn't sure what he needed to do next…how to tell Danny what he felt. Five years had given him ample opportunity to think about what had happened, and there was a very big part of him that had already forgiven Danny. He'd had to move on and put it behind him, at least in some way, because he would've gone crazy otherwise. Still, Danny's words soothed something in him that had never really stopped hurting. He'd always believed that Danny was sorry for what he'd done, but hearing it made a difference that Martin hadn't counted on.

"Martin, I don't know how to make it up to you. I don't know if I even can. But I want more than anything to…try. In some way…even if we're just…"

"Danny," Martin interrupted, pulling back slightly so he could look into his eyes. "I want that too," he murmured, his heart clenching tightly in his chest as he watched Danny's eyes fill with surprise and hope. He knew what Danny had been expecting; in fact he'd probably prepared himself for two options. Either Martin would refuse him completely or, best case scenario he'd tell him he needed some time. And yes, the safe and normal thing to do would've been to ask for some time to think, to go over things in his head and make sure everything was secure before taking this step. But he couldn't see the sense in that. After five years, the last thing he needed was more time.

It didn't mean they'd jump right back into their relationship exactly where they left off…hell, Martin didn't even live in the same city anymore. He just didn't want to pretend. Gently, he touched Danny's cheek, smiling a little and leaning forward until their foreheads touched.

"It might be hard," Danny whispered.

"I know," Martin replied simply. His eyes fluttered shut as he pressed his lips to Danny's. It was soft, tender…didn't last longer than a few seconds, but it was enough. It brought everything back…all the goodness in their relationship, how right it was. He'd never stopped loving Danny. And he _knew_, knew without a doubt from that simple kiss that Danny still felt the same too.

"Stay," Danny whispered, pulling Martin into his arms again. "Not because I want…just…please stay," he stumbled over his words quickly, not wanting them interpreted the wrong way.

But Martin understood and he agreed; the last thing he wanted now was to go back to an empty hotel room and be alone. He was tired of being alone. "I'll stay," Martin whispered, pressing a quick kiss to Danny's neck and breathing in the scent of him.

There was a part of him that was still worried that he was going to wake up at any minute. That this was just an elaborate dream and he'd imagined it all. God knows he'd wanted it for long enough. They both had. But Danny's arms around him were real…strong and loving and full of promise.

The next day they went to Sam's together for lunch. When she answered the door and found them both standing on her doorstep, she'd known in an instant. Smiling brightly she'd thrown her arms around the two of them and laughed, a sense of happy relief in her eyes. She'd also known to not call too much attention to it after that. She hadn't asked questions, hadn't begged to know what was next…she'd just accepted their being together and left it at that, knowing that there would be time for details later.

She'd also waved Martin's apologies away when he'd sheepishly told her that he wanted to spend his remaining few days in New York with Danny…if she didn't mind.

_"You're being ridiculous Martin, go!" she exclaimed, laughing and pushing him out the door. "Be with him."_

A month later, after Martin had spent much of his time traveling between New York and Washington, he decided it was time to take that final step. It had been pointless for him to go back to Washington after that very first night, but they had both needed some sort of formality. Something that said they weren't rushing into this and that they were committed to making it work.

But enough was an enough, and airfare wasn't getting any cheaper.

By the time he reached Danny's apartment he was both exhausted and nearly giddy with excitement. Exhausted from both the flight and the three-hour long meeting he'd just gotten out of in a building in downtown Manhattan. Formalities really, but he'd wanted everything to be in place before he told Danny the truth.

Danny greeted him with a kiss, taking his bag from his hand and dropping it in the hallway, wrapping his arms around Martin tightly and pulling him inside. "I missed you Fitzie," he murmured against Martin's lips, smiling as he kissed him again.

Martin returned the embrace and the kiss with equal fervor, marveling – not for the first time – how it always felt like coming home. "I missed you too."

They had dinner first, Martin listening to Danny's energetic talk about how he was so glad to be almost done with law school. That he was excited to take the Bar, to actually start practicing law rather than just keep studying it. By the time they'd cleaned up the kitchen and were settled comfortably against each other on Danny's couch, Martin was nearly bursting with the need to tell Danny his news.

"You've been unusually quiet this evening," Danny said softly, pulling him a little closer and kissing him warmly. "And you look anxious…"

Martin grinned and kissed him back before sitting up slightly. He looked down for a moment, threading their fingers together and taking a deep breath. "I…I spent a good portion of the past week talking to my bosses at work," he started nervously. He couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from his and Danny's hands linked together.

"And?" Danny prompted.

Martin looked up and smiled, blushing a little. "I transferred to the office in New York."

Danny's eyes widened in surprise and he squeezed Martin's hand tightly. "You did?" he squeaked.

Martin nodded, fidgeting under Danny's unrelenting gaze. "Well, I'm tired of traveling all the time to be here and it made sense and I _want_ to be here and--"

Danny cut off his nervous rambling with a deep kiss, wrapping both arms tightly around him and pulling him close. "When?" Danny asked hoarsely, his breath warm against Martin's lips. "When do you move?"

Martin smiled, bringing his fingers up to touch Danny's cheek. "I start up here next week," he said softly. "I know that's not much notice for you and--"

"Shut up Fitz…and stop being stupid," Danny said affectionately. He kissed Martin again…slowly, deeply…leaving them both breathless when they pulled apart. "I love you," he murmured, smiling when he felt Martin shiver. "I don't think I ever stopped."

Martin nodded and ran his fingers through Danny's hair, looking into his eyes and smiling softly. "Me either."

Fin


End file.
